When we make a commitment, we promise to fully engage in the experience, to be fully present now, and to trust that we can achieve what we want. Whether we’re making a commitment to another person, a job, our own business, or something else, our ability to follow through is dependent on the outcome we’re focusing on. The relationship between commitment and disappointment comes into play when we’re focusing on non-achievement, where expectations won’t be met.
When people make a commitment to something external, they imagine that the external thing will fulfill their promises and meet their expectations. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. The reason is that we’re operating under the illusion that commitment is external rather than internal.
This article explores the relationship between commitment and disappointment, looking at how to handle situations where we resist commitment and engagement, for fear of disappointment.
What Is Commitment?
Commitment is the act of placing our trust, faith, or loyalty in ourselves, no matter what happens. When we commit to taking a job, we are trusting ourselves to deliver. If we employ someone we commit to our belief they’re the best person for the job. By choosing to start a business, we are committing to give everything to create an entity, learn the path, take feedback and adjust our behaviour. When we commit to a personal relationship, with a romantic partner or friend, we trust ourselves to show up every day and engage.
Diving deeper into it, we are also committing to hold faith when things don’t go as we expect. We’re trusting that we can use our feelings to sense the best course of action and still honour our commitments. In reality, keeping our commitments when everything’s going well feels easy. Trusting that we can get where we want to when there are lumps in the road takes requires more effort, determination, and resilience.
No matter what external factor we project our commitment or non-commitment on, we’re actually making a ‘pinky swear’ or pact with the dreamer inside ourselves.
To honour that commitment, we have to learn to manage our expectations and find a focus that can supersede the idea of disappointment or failure in our mental construct. In simple terms, you believe you can or you believe you can’t.
Understanding the Prevalence of Disappointment
Disappointment is a universal emotion – everybody has experienced it at some point. In NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) we think of disappointment as a lower level of sadness. Actually, it can feel equal to or greater than sadness because it often links to shame. It’s important to understand what leads us to feel disappointment. Different experiences can evoke different responses.
Many of the pressures that we face in life – be it in relationships or knowledge or financial resources – add to creating an environment where disappointment is more likely. The key to resolving disappointment is recognising the origin of it and the feelings associated with it.
Commitment plays an important role in disappointment. When we commit to something, it creates a mental bond that can be difficult to break. When unmet expectations come into play, frustration can result and lead to feelings of disappointment. Rather than allowing disappointment to drown us, we want to ask useful questions.
- What or whose expectations have I not met? If they’re not mine, what is the purpose of disappointment?
- Were my expectations realistic? Is there a way I can reframe unmet expectations as an opportunity for learning, getting me closer to my objective?
- Am I scared of success? Is success feeling comfortable or uncomfortable for me?
- What will I have to start/change/stop doing if I choose to overcome this disappointment with belief in myself? How does that feel?
- If I wasn’t resting in disappointment right now, what would I be doing?
- Do I connect disappointment with any other emotions and if I were advising a friend or loved one, what would I say to them about the relevance of those emotions?
Relationship Between Commitment & Disappointment At Work, At Home & At Play
Resistance To Commit At Work
If you’re leading a team and you’re facing a lack of employee engagement in those you’re guiding, it may be mirroring your resistance to engage fully. Perhaps you’re resisting setting challenging and inspiring goals in case of disappointment. Perhaps you’re imagining that others will step up so that you don’t have to.
This covert fear can also show up when we’re running a business and we’re relying on consultants, contractors, or employees to get it done. There’s a fine line between delegation and abdication of responsibility. If you’re an entrepreneur, stepping back too far can happen as a result of burnout. Whatever you have reflected back to you is a key clue as to what exists inside you.
Commitment & Disappointment At Home
Anywhere that fear exists, an urge to control rises up from within us. If you find yourself resisting in relationships, ask yourself whether you are allowing your past to overrun your now and your future.
Most frequently, we may want to ask whether we’re committing to being who we really are in a relationship and trusting that the other will (a) accept us, (b) love us and (c) grow with us. If this feels like you, ask yourself whether you’re trying to control your partner’s perception of you. Are you trying to be perfect? If that resonates with you, remind yourself that it’s very challenging to love a perfect person. Deep down we all know that perfection is an illusion. By opening up to our vulnerability we give others something tangible to grab hold of. Trust that what is for you, the real you, does not go by you.
Finally, it’s important to acknowledge that if we rely on others to entertain us, give us self-confidence or validation, we give our power away. Not only do we give our power away, we place unrealistic expectations on our loved ones. We come together to co-create love rather than to depend upon one another for it!
Committing To Play
When we commit to play we allow ourselves to find joy in what we really love, rather than what others believe we SHOULD love. We allow ourselves the time an opportunity to explore ideas, hobbies, and more. Even better we give ourselves time to relax so that we become the guardians of our self-care.
You, and you alone, are responsible for finding your joy and maintaining it. It’s time to indulge in some of those guilty pleasures with guilt-free satisfaction!
Unpacking the Fear of Commitment
Sometimes, when we’re presented with an opportunity to commit we become fearful about the outcome. This fear might come from a past experience or uncertainty about the future. More commonly, we just don’t believe it will turn out for the best.
Commitment requires vulnerability and trust, two elements that aren’t easy to establish in unfamiliar situations. Ambitious goals often inspire doubt and the possibility of failure, making it difficult to commit in the first place. Understanding these fears can help to unpack feelings of disappointment and allow us to make healthier choices in our journey toward success.
Either way, anyone who has raised a child, held a job, or run a business, knows that failure is an illusion. It’s merely a step along the path that moves us toward achievement.
If you’ve ever worked in sales, you’ll appreciate that hunting the ‘no’ can support you in achieving a more rapid ‘yes’. The more feedback we get, the faster we can get where we want to go.
When we reframe failure as guiding feedback, it’s worthy of celebration rather than a negative emotion, isn’t it?
How to Regulate and Passively Respond to Disappointment
Learning how to regulate your emotions is a key component of regulating disappointment. Practicing mindfulness has been linked to improved emotional well-being, which could help in managing feelings of disappointment. Mindfulness strategies can include taking deep breaths, meditating, doing yoga, or walking.
Additionally, learning how to passively respond to disappointment instead of actively engaging in it can also be beneficial. By acknowledging disappointed feelings and shifting the focus towards positive learning, people can develop resilience that isn’t derailed by disappointments.
Using NLP and Time Line Therapy® emotional release techniques we can specifically target disappointment and create a reframing habit that allows us to notice that an unmet expectation is merely a guide to get us closer to where we want to be.
What’s more, we can appreciate that feeling disappointment in the moment is temporary and it passes. There is no purpose in using it to form an unhelpful belief system or mindset.
We can use it to build resilience and maintain momentum by focusing on the outcome we WANT, rather than the one we don’t.
Finding The Mental Resilience To Maintain Momentum
Without understanding the power of commitment and its ability to determine our outcome, we are left feeling disappointed and uncertain about how to move forward. Investing our time and energy into a goal requires thoughtfulness to ensure success.
When we truly commit, we have a representation of that achievement in mind. It may be an image, a soundtrack, or a combination of feelings, smells, and tastes. We can increase the intensity of this representation by stepping into it, looking through our own eyes, and turning up the feelings of motivation, excitement, happiness, or whatever they may be.
Then we can literally slot that representation into our future and see ourselves moving toward it. We want to make sure that image is so compelling that it fires up our drive to get out of bed in the morning. When we meet challenges, that representation gives us the discipline to manage our self-talk and reframe our emotions.
When we fully engage in now and the future, all we really know with certainty is the first step to move forward and the last step that will allow us to know that we’ve achieved what we wanted. Everything in between requires a leap of faith – the ability to trust that the path will unfold as we reach forward with our vision and intention.
Setting a stretching and inspiring plan involves specificity, a timeline, and a journey – some of which you’ll know how to tread and other elements you’ll discover along the way.
You’ll need to trust yourself, your world, and the journey. If you can, you’ll commit to creating a life that feels inspiring. Even better, when you achieve your goals, it will be the icing on the cake. Who you become on the journey will excite you much more.
Trust yourself to navigate through the butterflies of the unknown and commit – with positive feelings in your focus! See your successful outcome and you will create it.
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